


Hank Hill vs Pawn Stars

by Big_Boy_Writer



Series: Hank Hill vs [4]
Category: King of the Hill, Pawn Stars (TV)
Genre: Blood, Dark Magic, Gold and Silver, Good and Evil, Kidnapping, Money, Murder, Rage, Shopping, This is my Pawn Shop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_Boy_Writer/pseuds/Big_Boy_Writer
Summary: What seemed like a lonely day for Hank quickly turned into something entirely different. The Gold and Silver of life can often screw one over, so you must screw them back.
Series: Hank Hill vs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271858
Kudos: 2





	Hank Hill vs Pawn Stars

It was an eerily quiet evening in Arlen. Hank stood alone at his usual hangout spot. None of his friends were there to drink beers with him, making Hank feel uncomfortably lonely. 

“Yep... “ 

Hank took a sip from his beer while looking around his empty street. The neighborhood was usually quite quiet, but never this quiet. It was starting to make him feel uncomfortable, but that wouldn't stop him from seeing if his friends would show up. Though, he would slowly lose hope as the minutes went by.

“Dad!! Daaaaad!!!” The familiar voice of Bobby yelled from down the street. 

Hank was a little startled, but happy to finally hear someone else. He looked over, seeing Bobby and Joseph fast approaching on their bikes. Hank's smile quickly faded as he could already tell by their worried looks that something was wrong. 

“What happened boys? Do I gotta go kick that Charcoal sales man's ass again?” Hank asked as they came to a stop in front of him.

Bobby took a moment to catch his breath, while Joseph looked to be on the verge of tears.

“That new Pawn Shop is evil!” Bobby finally began.

“...H’What?” Hank replied, already confused.

“They-”

“They’re stealing people's souls!!” Joseph interrupted. “And they… They took my dad's soul!!!”

Joseph broke down in tears. The sight was enough to make Hank's heart sink. 

“A-Are you talking about that new Pawn Stars? How did you find out about this?”

“We saw Kahn trying to pawn off your Propane Flamethrower.” Bobby began explaining. “When he got the money for it, they offered to buy his soul for $10000! Right on the spot!”

Hank sighed a little while grabbing his truck keys. 

“God dangit Kahn. I thought getting the Stinky Fish from Sylvanas would have taught him that messin with the supernatural is a bad idea.”

“Dad, they offered $10000 for something he probably didn’t even think existed. I think most people would have taken that offer.” Bobby argued. 

Hank looked around again at his empty neighborhood.

“Good point son. Can’t imagine how many poor bastards got tricked.”

Hank's comment made Joseph cry even harder.

“Uhhh, don’t worry Joseph, I’ll rescue your father.”

Hank started making his way to his truck.

“I should be back around 9 or 10. If not, then round up some other students, and form an angry mob. Make sure it’s big enough to attack a Pawn Shop.” 

Bobby waved, but was a little confused.

“How many students we talkin?” 

“At least 20. Maybe 30.” Hank replied as he got in his truck. 

Bobby nodded as Hank began driving away. He hoped his father wouldn’t need the assistance of a student mob, but it wouldn't be the first time Bobby had to save the day with one. 

It didn’t take long for Hank to reach the Pawn Shop. The comically large Pawn Stars posters featuring Rick Harrison and Corey Harrison was a dead giveaway. As he pulled into the parking lot, he saw something very expected, but no less horrifying. 

“Oh, God!”

Dale’s van, Boomhauer's car, and Kahn's vehicle were all parked in the lot. Just having the confirmation brought out his inner rage. His determination to save his friends was amplified. Even more so when he noticed an old man with a black Pawn Stars shirt walking out. 

Hank quickly found a spot to park, not caring how well he actually parked. The Old Man was giving him weird looks, as Hank started getting out the moment he turned the truck off. 

“Hey, you!” Hank yelled as he got out of his truck.

The Old Man frowned a little.

“Ayy, no need to yell. I may be old, but I’m not deff yet.” 

Hank slammed his door shut. He wanted to yell the old mans head off, but figured he should at least attempt restraint first. 

“Uhhh, sorry about that… I had a uhh, bad day at work.” Hank died a little inside with that lie. 

“All good man. We all get that way… And the name’s Richard “Old Man” Harrison.”

Hank cleared his throat a little.

“I’m Hank Hill. I just wanted to know more about this whole ‘selling of souls’ thing.” 

Richard grins a little. 

“Well, we’re looking for the best souls this town has to offer. Lucky for all you, or yall, we’re paying more than we usually…”

Richard Harrison could see the absolute unhinged rage in Hank's eyes.

“SO YOU BASTARDS HAVE BEEN TAKIN PEOPLE’S SOULS!!! BBBWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Hank socked Richard in the nose, causing blood to get all over his white shirt. The back of the old man’s skull landed on the hard concrete below. Blood began pooling all around his body. 

Hank momentarily looked down at Richard Harrison's body before heading inside. He didn’t care or even acknowledge the man whose life he had just ended.

Inside the Pawn Shop was very welcoming. Many different and unique items were on display. Each one looked like it had its own story, along with a hefty price.

“Hey!” A chubby man with longish dark hair greeted from behind the counter. “I’m Chumlee Russell, and-”

He almost immediately noticed the blood on Hank’s shirt.

“Uhhhh, Aahhhaaahhaaaa… Looks like you have ketchup on your shirt…” Chumlee Russell nervously pointed out. 

Hank narrowed his eyes and reached over to choke him. Babe Ruth couldn’t react in time to save himself from Hank’s wrath. 

“What made you basterds think stealing souls was a good idea?!” Hank roared while squeezing the life out of him.

Chumlee attempted to claw at Hank's face with his nails, but Hank was having none of it. So he shoved Chumlee into a closet door right behind him.

“Ghhhaaaa!!!!” Chumlee Russell cried out, as he felt a broken piece of the wooden door stab him in the back. 

He fell to his knees while breathing heavily. As he did, the door came down with him. Hank hopped the counter, ready to finish him off. A glow coming from the closet caught his eye though… To something disturbing. 

“Ohh, God!!”

Dozens of jars containing various colored souls lined the shelves of the closet. Each individual jar was priced differently, ranging from $1000 all the way up to $120000.

“HAAAANK!!!” Dale's voice cried out from a brown spirit with an orange hat. His soul was priced at $57000

“Free us, Hank!!! Please!!!” Bill cries out. His soul was priced at $100500.

“Dang’ol Pawn Stars Dang’ol tricked us! Dang’ol Gold and Silver bullshit...” Boomhauer added. His soul was priced at $17000.

Hank’s face began to turn a bright red.

“Save us Red Neck! I didn’t know Souls were real!!” Kahn yelled. His soul was priced at $83000.

Many other voices began crying out. Their endless pleas for rescue only fulled Hank's rage.

“BBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Hank grabbed a baseball bat that was signed by Babe Ruth and smashed the jars. Chumlee Russell started to recover a little, only to see the souls flying away into a “Do Not Enter” door,

“Noooo!!!! You have any idea how much money you just lost us?!” He cried out.

Hank narrowed his eyes again and whacked him up-side the head. He went down again, this time for good. 

“*Sigh* Good riddance.” 

Hank watched as the last of the souls enter the restricted room. He hopped back over the counter, figuring he should go see where they are heading. Just as he got over though, two men walked in. Hank almost immediately recognized them as Rick Harrison and Corey Harrison from the posters. 

“What the Hell!?” Rick Harrison yelled.

The two men stared at their smashed up jars for a few moments. They looked both pissed and distraught. Their eyes eventually shifted over to Hank.

“H-How…” Corey Harrison began, nearly on the verge of tears. “How could you ruin our profits like that?! Do you have… Have…” 

He suffered a heart attack and died on the spot. His black soul floats above his body, hovering in place. Rick Harrison was a bit shaken by this, but no less focused on Hank.

“What makes you think you can just come in here and smash up my Pawn Shop?” 

Hank was dumbfounded.

“Me?! What makes YOU think you can just go takin people's souls?!” 

Rick Harrison chuckles a little.

“Souls are worth more than Gold and Silver right now… And I intend to maximize my profits.”

Hank clenched his bat.

“Well you made one God Dang mistake, I tell ya h’what.” Hank got in a fighting stance. “You messed with my town.”

Rick Harrison smiled a little. 

“Well, this might be your town…” Rick Harrison placed his hand over Corey Harrison's soul and morphed it into a vintage wooden baseball bat. “But this is my Pawn Shop.”

Epic Battle music started playing and-

“YOU’RE DEAD Rick Harrison!!!” A voice from the restricted room yelled.

A sudden feeling of dread took hold of Rick Harrison.

“Ohhh shit!” He looked back at the room. “Chumlee Russell Didn’t dispose of the bodies!!”

The residences of Arlen busted down the door, flooding the Pawn Shop with a mob of pissed off “customers”. They surrounded and pounced at once on Rick Harrison. Hank, not wanting to get caught up in the crossfire, manoeuvered around the madness.

“Let's rip him apart1” A crazed lady yelled.

“Yeah! Then let's burn his Pawn Shop down!!” Sid the Unhinged Kid added.

“Bwwaaa…” Hank cringed, realizing the horrible death Rick Harrison was doomed too. 

Fortunately, he wouldn't have to think on this long, as his four friends walked out of the room. They looked rough but were filled with joy when they saw Hank.

“Haaank!!” Dale began yelling while running up to Hank. “Thank you!!! Thank you!!!!!”

He full-on bear-hugged Hank. Bill quickly joined in on the hug.

“I don’t know what we’d do without you!” Bill cried.

Boomhauer and Kahn walked up, making sure to avoid the mob. 

“Yeah Redneck, you really saved our asses this time.” Kahn thanked.

Hank broke off the group hug. 

“You’re lucky I’m not kicking your ass. That Flame Thrower was a gift from my mom!” 

Sid the Unhinged Kid managed to find said flame thrower.

“Awwwwhhhahaha yeah!!”

Sid immediately began lighting the place on fire. Giving no shits about friendly fire.

“...We should probably go.” Dale suggested.

The five quickly ran out to the parking lot. It didn’t take long for everyone else to follow behind. They left Rick Harrison's body to burn. 

Outside, the residents all ran as far away from the Pawn Shop as possible, leaving Hank and his friends to watch the building burn.

“...So uh.” Bill began. “You think Sid will make it out of this one?” 

“If he doesn't, he’ll die doing what he loves.” Replied Kahn.

Hank rolled his eyes.

“Sid’s done dumber and more dangerous stuff than this. You guys know that.”

“Dang’ol Hanks right.” Boomhauer added. 

They all took one last look at the building.

“Well, I’m bored. Let's go drink some beers!” Dale suggested.

“I tell you what, Dang’ol beers sound about Dang’ol good right now. Those Dang’ol Pawn Stars were gonna Dang’ol use my soul as a… Dang’ol, Devil Condom…”

Hank gagged a little.

“Let's just leave… Before I vomit.”

**Author's Note:**

> I tell ya h'what.


End file.
